PrintPapa – Inklings – Nov 09

By: david  |  Posted In: Fun Stuff  |  November 10, 2009

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Warning! The following jokes are in very poor taste
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
Cannibals capture three men. The men are told that they will be skinned and eaten and then their skin will be used to make canoes. Then they are each given a final request. The first man asks to be killed as quickly and painlessly as possible. His request is granted. They poison him, then set his skin aside. The second man asks for paper and a pen so that he can write a farewell letter to his family. This request is granted, and after he writes his letter, they kill him saving his skin for their canoes. Now it is the third man’s turn. He asks for a fork. The cannibals are confused, but it is his final request, so they give him a fork. As soon as he has the fork he jumps up and begins stabbing himself all over, yelling, “To hell with your canoes!”
Did you hear about the cannibal who loved children? He just adored the platter of little feet…
Did you hear about the cannibals who attended the wedding? They toasted the bride and groom.
Quick tip
Tricks to minimize pdf files for email and download
• If an image is reduced in size or cropped in your layout, a pdf generated from it will still include the data for the full size, uncropped image, which can increase file size significantly. Make crops and resizes in an image editor first.
• RGB files include less data than CMYK files, so if you are generating a pdf for web/screen use from a print file, save images and/or the pdf as RGB color.
• Switch off the setting that embeds thumbnails in the pdf (Print >PDF >Edit Settings >General). PDF viewers will still generate thumbnails, but they will not be retained in the document.
• Set your document using only standard system fonts and no fonts will need to be emebedded in the pdf. This is particularly helpful for lightweight forms.
• Unless necessary, avoid converting type to outlines in extensive pdf documents. Embedded font data may well be smaller than the vector data required for the outlines.
• Open your finished file in Acrobat and use the Save As command to optimize the file.
A cannibal entered the meat market to buy something nice for dinner. The owner greeted him and told him to look around. The cannibal began to inspect the meat case and noticed the market specialized in brain.
Upon further inspection he noticed a marked disparity between the costs of brain meats. A carpenter’s brain sells for $1.50 per pound. A plumber’s brain sells for $2.25 per pound. He noticed with alarm that a politician’s brain sells for $375.00 a pound. With not a little curiosity he asked the owner why the huge difference in price between the similar meats.
The owner responded with a deadpan look on his face, “Do you realize how many politicians it takes to get a pound of brains?”
Why don’t canibals eat clowns? Because they taste FUNNY!
What do cannibals call athletes? Fast food!
Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase the diversity of the company, “You are all part of our team now,” said the Human Resources rep during the welcoming briefing. “You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don’t eat any employees.”
The cannibals promised they would not.
Four weeks later their boss remarked, “You’re all working very hard and I’m satisfied with your work. We have noticed a marked increase in the whole company’s performance. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?”
The cannibals all shook their heads, “No.”
After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, “Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?” A hand rose hesitantly. “You fool!” the leader continued. “For four weeks we’ve been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But now, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something!”

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Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.
Dennis Wholey
Some folks are wise and some are otherwise.
Tobias George Smolett
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